InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Have you the brain worms?"

I know I have been very quiet lately, very quiet indeed about something that is really incredibly magical. But I was waiting, literally holding my breath. Because this particular miracle is not something that was supposed to come easy, in fact might not have come at all. I have reached my own personal milestone, the milestone I set for myself when I would finally allow myself to be happy, to talk freely about what is happening, to believe that this time would be different.

Of course my body had other plans and with my hospitalization came the necessity to tell the whole world much sooner than I would have liked. It's left me constantly thinking that something else would happen, something else to take this away from me, like before. But I know this is nothing like before, this child is wanted so badly that it stops my breath every time I think that it is happening. I know it makes it seem like what happened three years ago was for the best, that I wouldn't have wanted that child. But thats not true. Granted it happened at an inopportune time. I wasn't ready and he wasn't available. And no, I'm not talking about Zeke. But God or life had another plan. A much more painful plan. And that child was taken from me, very close to the twelve week mark. Which is why I was very adamant about not speaking about it until now. The doctors told me I would never be able to get pregnant again, that there had been too many complications.

They were wrong.

While I am now what they classify as a high risk pregnancy, I ampregnant. Three months. I'm being as careful as I can, which is easy when your husband forces you to change your diet and take yoga and be extra careful and responsible. Which I am incredibly grateful for. I know he wants this as much as I do, even if I worry that it's all too much. I know that it will be alright, that what happened before cannot and will not happen again. There is too much love surrounding this child for anything to go wrong. While I may be moody and have strange cravings and be gaining weight that makes me feel unattractive, I know that the end result is a child. OUR child.

Now that this day has come, this milestone, I'm allowing myself to be happy, allowing myself to talk about it freely. No more guarded conversations. We're going to be parents and we need all the love and support we can get. Which means all of you.